Friday, January 29, 2010

Job interviews and sadness

I had two yesterday.  They were both informal, one being at a Tim Horton's and the other being after a hypnotist show at a comedy club.

One is part time, one is full time.  My good friend Boho Mom babysat for the one at night at the comedy club which is the full time one.  Upon returning home she asked, "How the hell are you going to manage this??".  Although Marryn was good, she knows when I'm not home and she misses my breasts.  Boho mom and her daughter along with my sons fed Marryn some applesauce when she was hungry and although she gobbled it up, it's not the same as mom's milk.

I have this knot in the pit of my stomach that is letting me know that this is NOT going to work.  I have to figure something else out...I'm still applying for jobs but hoping that something comes along that will work out in a way that will allow me to continue nursing her the way she wants.

She will NOT take formula...we've tried that.  It doesn't taste anywhere close to the same as my milk and she knows the difference.  We tried that early on in hopes that we could get out for more than two hours at a time.  But even at a month old, she knew the difference and was not interested.  I do have a pump but it is an occasional use pump...I could probably make due with that for a short time but even then...there is no "extra" milk.  I would have to pump a LOT to get a single serving (as I have done in the past).  I'm going to start soon in hopes that I can have a bottle or two in the event that I do get a job.

And then even if that does happen and I have the bottle or two, I will have to pump at work in order to keep my milk supply up and keep the extra bottle for Dad or whoever is taking care of her while I'm at work.

It all feels so very complicated.  It all feels so very wrong.

I've been searching for years for an at home data entry job...I can type like 800 words per minute.  I would be GOOD at that job...and then still be able to do my main job, my full time job, my most rewarding job here at home.

I hate feeling torn between money and taking care of my family (especially since having money is part of taking care of my family).  I hate feeling like I'm not contributing if I'm not working (since I most certainly am paying half of the bills with other income).  Most of all I hate this depression that has come over me since accepting that I need to find work, even temporarily, to keep our family afloat.

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