Saturday, January 30, 2010

Unboring weekend :)

This is the first time in a long time that I've had something to do all weekend.  Today I went to my friend's baby shower...I love baby showers :)  Most people hate them but I love them, I always have.   How could you not love going to celebrate someone's new arrival?? :)

Then tomorrow my best friend and I are going to mass to check out the church I'm getting married in.  I've been there before but I never thought to count the pews lol...I have to make pew cones and figure out how many pumpkins we need as well so we're gonna make the trip out there.  Marnie has never seen it either so it'll be nice to get her thoughts on how we should decorate.

Then tomorrow night we're all getting together with a few more friends to play our Wii.  I love having people over to hang out where it's relaxed like that :)  So much fun!

I also got another call about a job today, this one for a call centre.  I've done that plenty of times so it doesn't make me nervous or anything....I just know that it's full time and we'll have to see about the nursing thing.  I'll update when I know more.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Job interviews and sadness

I had two yesterday.  They were both informal, one being at a Tim Horton's and the other being after a hypnotist show at a comedy club.

One is part time, one is full time.  My good friend Boho Mom babysat for the one at night at the comedy club which is the full time one.  Upon returning home she asked, "How the hell are you going to manage this??".  Although Marryn was good, she knows when I'm not home and she misses my breasts.  Boho mom and her daughter along with my sons fed Marryn some applesauce when she was hungry and although she gobbled it up, it's not the same as mom's milk.

I have this knot in the pit of my stomach that is letting me know that this is NOT going to work.  I have to figure something else out...I'm still applying for jobs but hoping that something comes along that will work out in a way that will allow me to continue nursing her the way she wants.

She will NOT take formula...we've tried that.  It doesn't taste anywhere close to the same as my milk and she knows the difference.  We tried that early on in hopes that we could get out for more than two hours at a time.  But even at a month old, she knew the difference and was not interested.  I do have a pump but it is an occasional use pump...I could probably make due with that for a short time but even then...there is no "extra" milk.  I would have to pump a LOT to get a single serving (as I have done in the past).  I'm going to start soon in hopes that I can have a bottle or two in the event that I do get a job.

And then even if that does happen and I have the bottle or two, I will have to pump at work in order to keep my milk supply up and keep the extra bottle for Dad or whoever is taking care of her while I'm at work.

It all feels so very complicated.  It all feels so very wrong.

I've been searching for years for an at home data entry job...I can type like 800 words per minute.  I would be GOOD at that job...and then still be able to do my main job, my full time job, my most rewarding job here at home.

I hate feeling torn between money and taking care of my family (especially since having money is part of taking care of my family).  I hate feeling like I'm not contributing if I'm not working (since I most certainly am paying half of the bills with other income).  Most of all I hate this depression that has come over me since accepting that I need to find work, even temporarily, to keep our family afloat.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

This is a kitchen sink post

I'm feeling sort of down these last few days.  I've recently had to come to terms with the fact that I need to work at the moment.  I really enjoy my job as a stay at home mom and I'm feeling really down about going to work and quitting breastfeeding early (unless I find a job that will work around Marryn's schedule which I'm not expecting).  I can still pump and still nurse her when I am home but it won't be the same.  I know, as long as she's getting what she needs it doesn't matter right?  Well, it does to me.  My favourite time is when I'm nursing's such an amazing feeling to know that she needs me for such an important job!  But, my family also needs me to go to work while Jer is off and while it's not what I want to do, it's what I need to do and so I will do it.

Some people have said to me that it must be nice to have the "luxury" of staying home and doing nothing all day.  I can assure them that I DO NOT do nothing.  I will miss my duties here at home and it will probably drive me a little crazy that I'm not doing things "my way" lol...some people don't get that though.

I have an interview tomorrow night at a comedy club as a box office sales agent.  It's full time days with some nights.  Should be interesting and I'll update.

I miss the routine of Jer at work too.  It was up to me to get up and get the kids ready and off to school and from there I would come home and tidy and sometimes start dinner if it was something that needed to be slow cooked like roast or spaghetti sauce.  Now, I've been staying up later and sleeping in longer because Jer will get up with the kids part of the time.  I'll look forward to going back to that routine even though I'll miss having Jer around all the time.  It's fun that we get to hang out everyday!  Lots of quality time :)

It's also been good with wedding planning.  I've been able to ask his advice and preference on stuff while I'm looking at it instead of having to send a message or email about it.  We've recently decided on a limo and flowers which we weren't sure we were going to do before.  I'm really looking forward to how the next 9 months are going to play out!  It will be nice to see all our hard work come together in the most fun way!  Hopefully ours is a reception that people will always remember!!!  How could you not in costume?!

I have more to write but I think it should have a post dedicated to it.  So I will end here and write more later/tomorrow.  I also feel the urge to write another chapter so that may be coming soon as well.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

9 months and counting

Well, there is a little over 9 months until the wedding now.  When I think about it, it still seems so far away but when I really look at it, it's only a pregnancy away! lol...leave it to me to look at it that way!

We've got a lot done so far:

Invitations, my dress, Marryn's dress, my shoes, my hair stylist, a florist, the reception hall, the church, the limo, the favours, the mens tux store (haven't picked styles yet though)...our DJ and decorators are all contracted through our reception hall so they're booked too and now our Stag and Doe is booked as well.

I'm really looking forward to it all coming together.  I've been waiting for this my whole find THE one.  The one who looks at me the way he does and says the things I dreamed my future husband would say.  It's going to be such a beautiful, wonderful day, I can't hardly wait!!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Engagement session

Which I'm not entirely happy with but here are some pics...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Oh Anonymous...are you really that blind?

I received this comment on a previous post:

Anonymous said...
Wow... it sounds like you blame others a lot for your choices and fit yourself into a victim role just nicely. Do you ever take responsibility?

January 1, 2010 10:53 AM

*shakes head*

Funny that you have to hide behind anonymous but whatever...I get it. But really, if you had read the post prior to this one in which I state: "He has done things, I have done things and our son has been put in the middle on numerous occasions. I have made BIG mistakes and plenty of them."

I know I fucked up and I'm not ashamed to admit it. But I also know I've worked really hard to fix the wrongs that I've done. I fought when I didn't think I had any fight left. And I know there are SOME people out there who don't think I deserve what I have because of the way things played out and the decisions I made when I was younger. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I know this though. Shitty things have happened to me. I know that those shitty things helped lead me down the path to get me to where I am...because without all of this shitty things that happened and shitty things I've done, I wouldn't be where I am and I wouldn't have what I have.

I have a beautiful, loving family that I'm so damned proud of I could just scream it from the rooftops!

I've worked really hard to get where I am and I'll be damned if someone is going to make me feel guilty for accepting all of the gifts I have recieved.

I may have played the victim in the past, but I found when I stopped and owned up to all the shit I needed to take responsibility for? That's when things turned around for me.

Shitty things still happen and I still have to deal with douchebags but I can handle it. I'm stong and I have wonderful support behind me. And all the people who did/do the shitty things don't matter anymore!

I'm a happy, HAPPY girl now...I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. And I love that I've worked so hard to get past everything so that I CAN love all of that. I love that I'm strong enough to overcome whatever has been thrown at me and continue to get back up and keep living my life and taking care of my family!!!

Peace to you and yours anonymous and thanks for the comment. Helps me reaffirm!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

3500 candidates for 50 jobs

Our little city is not doing well. There have been major job losses over the last 2 years with the closure of several plants, the biggest being John Deere in which my future mother-in-law, father-in-law and step brother all lost their jobs along with umpteen hundred other people. There aren't many jobs in this city...not even part time ones that can make up for what unemployment insurance doesn't cover.

I consider us lucky even though Jer's laid off right now. It'll be three weeks tomorrow. But it could be worse, he could have lost his job all together and have no opportunities at all. Luckily, he's in a union and it's only a matter of time before there is another job for him AND we don't lose our benefits during his out of work time.

Yesterday the local Rona, which is slated to open in three months, held a job fair. There were people lined up outside the hotel they held it at for ours to try and get one of the 50 jobs they're offering. 3500 people to be exact. You know it's tough when 3500 people show up for 50 minimum wage jobs because there are no other options.

I feel incredibly sad about it. It's definitely a reality check.

I've been looking on and off for something part time to make a bit while Jer's off's very discouraging to hear about the job fair yesterday. I'm thinking now that finding something is going to be harder than I thought. I check the job bank almost everyday. Nothing has been posted for our city since last Friday. Everything that is available is out of town and even then it's not much.

I really hope things pick up for everyone soon...this is horrible.