Saturday, October 4, 2008

Thanks for the Memories...

I recently added someone on facebook who I thought was my friend. Who I'd spent a lot of time with in the past. Who I'd thought was a really cool chick and enjoyed hanging out with. Who I'd loved for her conviction...her views....her thoughts on this world and all it's injustices.

And she confirmed the add as you have to do when someone adds you on facebook....only to tell me that she hates facebook and to email her if I want to keep in contact (which I did and I still have not received a reply) and I believe it was also to allow me to read a message she wrote to no one in particular.

In the message, she writes, "If you actually care and want to talk to me and not just add me to your "friends" list for some douchebag popularity contest send me an email. YOU ARE NOT MY FRIENDS. "

At first, this didn't phase me. She has a firey spirit and feels very strongly about things and will boldly voice her opinions. But as I continued to think about started to bug me a little bit. Does she not consider me her friend? All that time, was it just an aquaintenceship?

She asked these further questions in the same post: "Would you do for me what I would do for you? If you have two and they have none, would you give them one? Do you call out the injustices, or do you save face because you want to get paid? Do you have a nice shiny car that you did not pay for? Could you do it on your own? Could you stand in a room full of people and state your opinion with no one supporting you? Could you do this by yourself, without your social safety net?"

My answer is this: Yes, I would do for you what you would do for me...possibly even more if I read your post right. If I have two and they have none, I would give them one...and if they needed the one I kept more than I did, I would give that one to them as well. I call out injustices all the time...I will not bow down for a pay cheque. I do not have a nice shiny car that I did not pay for. I could do it on my own and have done it on my own more than once. I could stand in a room full of people and state my opinion with no one supporting me though I would hope that the people I surround myself with would support me without my asking them to. I could do this by myself, what ever THIS may be, without my social safety net. I really don't think I even HAVE a social safety net.

And, I will add this to all of that...I am not the same person I was then.

I have changed completely and have allowed myself to be the real me, despite what others may think of me.

I used to be pretty fucking fake. I used to crave love and acceptance and "friendship" no matter how fake it was. I used to do things and voice opinions that were not neccessarily my own, because I thought it might make people like me.

But then, when I turned around because I needed some support in my roughest times, there were not even a handful of people that I thought were my friends to pick my sorry ass up in my time of need. I did it alone. All by myself.

And that, was when I decided that I would never again voice an opinion that was not my own. Even if it differs from EVERYONE ELSES. Where ever I am in life is all I have and if I can't be true, then WTF is the point?

And that was also when I healed myself.

I was a sorry excuse for a person before I became aware of the fakeness.

I wish you nothing but the best in life, dear friend, and I hope that you're able to see that if I ever hurt you , it was never my intent. I always thought of you as a friend. I thought you were wonderful. I hope you know that I will always consider you an 'old friend', even if you don't feel the same because you were an important part of my life for quite a while.

So, thank you. Thank you for Ani and Phillip the Hyper Hypo. Thank you for Gaymie and for "It's a sticker you stupid bitch!". Thanks for Divine. Thanks for being honest with me, even when it hurt me.

Thanks for the memories, good and bad.


Bohemian Single Mom said...

Wow. That was intense.

While I don't know who specifically you're talking about, I'd like to say couple things.

You were NEVER a ("sorry excuse for a person before I became aware of the fakeness").
You had a baby at what? 16? The exact age when all the rest of us are finding our own way, our own identities, and discovering who we are.
You never had time or the opportunity to take that journey because you were too busy raising a baby.
But you were never a "fake".
You may have conformed to what you thought was right for you...but we all go down that road every once in a while. It's how we grow, how we learn and how we develop into the adults we become.
You've taken some different directions here and there, but who hasn't?
And the result is you know yourself extremely well now. Some lessons you learned the hard way, but like Oprah says, we make all our big mistakes before we're 30!

Man, don't be so hard on yourself.
You are one of the most real, authentic, honest, smartest people I know.
And you are STRONG. You're a survivor and always will be.
Don't apologize for that, ever!


This Guy said...

Well.. What do you do.. Some people are just douche bags. You can't expect everyone to change, just because you have changed, and are MUCH better for it, doesn't mean that anyone else from the "old days" have.

We both know what this person was/is like. Personally, ya its fun to add people to facebook, but why really? What did she really ever do to you? I can add up more bad memories than good ones.

She's not responding for a reason, you don't need people like this in your life anymore. You are past that, you are beyond them! Look at where you are, and what you have come from. That was a million years ago.

Plus, you have WAY better friends now, like me, and boho mom!! LOL

Be your authentic self. you NEED to do the soul coaching with us! You will love it! :)