Monday, March 1, 2010


A few things to write on this, the first day of March....I'm so happy that spring is on it's way...I'm hoping it will pull me out of my funk.  Because I'm certainly stuck knee deep in it.  And it sucks.

First, please, send all your prayers and peace vibes to this little girl .  The poor little girl is in her last days at not even two years old.  I'm praying her sleep comes soon so she can be at peace again.  I send all my thoughts and prayers to her family...I can't even begin to imagine what they are going.  And I'm so so thankful for the health that my family does have...things like this remind me how absolutely lucky we really are!  It's going ok.  I don't mind it too much, it's not a bad job but it is a lot of work for little pay (yet so is just about everything these days).  I worked a lot last week but now I'm off until Friday.  And I work every other Friday and every Saturday and Sunday for the foreseeable future...which blows.  But, Jer's still laid off and we have a wedding to pay for so, I will plug away until I can be at home with my babies again.

Third, I had another abnormal pap.  I'm freaking out just a little bit...and it sucks because my anxiety and depression have been at full force recently.  I had one before I had my transfer for the giant baby as well, and then a colposcopy which came back normal and a normal pap followed that.  Now, another abnormal.  It could be nothing but now I'm having some mid-cycle spotting as well so my mind is going AHHH!!  THE C WORD!!! (cancer).  I am probably over reacting (surprise!) but I'm pretty anxious about it.  I'm not supposed to have a repeat pap until August but I called the Dr. this morning to see about getting in sooner because of the spotting.  He's not in today but will call me tomorrow (or so the nurse says).  I'm trying not to stress but like I put it to Jer, "if something was 'abnormal' with your testicles and then you had bleeding when you weren't supposed to have bleeding, wouldn't you worry??"...he said good point.  Everything could very well be a coincidence because I've been nursing Marryn less due to working and I am stressed and anxious about stuff which can make your reproductive organs do strange things...but still...all that coupled with the abnormal pap makes me worry and I won't stop until I know something more than "it's abnormal"...I need to know how, why, when, where, what.  Anyway.  Next.

A lot of my stress and anxiety and general funk is do to some really inconsiderate, rude and overall nasty people that I MUST deal with due to...well, I have a child with one of them.  There has been a lot of nastiness in the last couple of months.  And honestly, I really TRY to get along...there have only been a few times when I didn't try to get along because I'd had enough.  In general I'm usually pretty co-operative more often than not.  Anytime things are asked of me, unless there is a good reason for it, I always say no problem.  Anytime there is a question for me, even if it's unpleasant, I try to answer without attitude or snarkiness because I just don't have the energy to get into it with someone who knows all the right buttons to push to make me yell at him.  Thankfully most of the communications as of late are through email...which allows me to take a step back and reply as civilly as possible...or not respond at all if I can't do it without being civil in the least.  The woman he's dating I have the most issues with...because he's away working right now, I've been mostly dealing with her.  And I can't even ask a question without her freaking out and telling me I'm "changing my tune" or "demanding" things.  I finally had enough after the last slew of emails and told her I would no longer communicate with her because it's never EVER pleasant or civil.  There is always a PROBLEM to deal with and it's not worth it to me.  I'm not obligated to speak to her and everytime I try to communicate, I end up pissed off.  I don't need that.  So I said, END.  Done.  Anyway...things aren't figured out anymore now than when this shit started so it will be an ongoing topic here I'm sure.  But it's nice that I have here to come and vent about it (non-describingly so as not to 'out' anyone, those who know, know).  I REALLY need to vent about it because otherwise it stews and makes me more angry as time goes on.  There are just some things that I can't believe were said and it makes me incredibily angry and SOOO so sad for my child.  /sigh/

Anywho, aside from feeling like I want to cry 12 out of 24 hours today...I'm trying to be positive and thankful for everything I have...that's something right?

Enough droning.

P.S.  Check out Martin Sexton...  GREAT music!!!


Anonymous said...

Venting is good. Always vent - write it out, go for a helps keep thins in perspective. Keeps the reality of the situation front and centre.
Hang in have a LOT going on right now, both good and bad.

NapoleonOverlap said...

First - I love you.
Second - You ALWAYS have me to 'whine' to anytime you need it.
Third - 7 months. :)

M xoxoxox