Sadness, grief, and anxiety...

This was a very tragic weekend for our family. On Thursday night, Jer found out that their good family friend had passed away from a heart attack at the young age of 51. They were all very close and it was very sad. He went to the viewing on Friday night and then the funeral on Saturday.

Then, just a couple of hours after he got home from the funeral and while we were cooking dinner, we got word that his 4 year old cousin drowned in his pool. When we got the call he still had a faint heartbeat but it didn't look good...he didn't make it through the night. That funeral will be sometime this week...it will be an open casket. I cannot go. I just. Can't.

Is it wrong that it makes my heart jump into my throat when I even THINK about having to see that little 4 year old boy laid out in a box??? I have such bad anxiety about it that I feel like I will throw up (which in turn gives me more anxiety because of my emetophobia)...is it selfish that I can't go? I can't physically bring myself to walk into that funeral home for the viewing alone?

I will attend the funeral but I will be staying as far away from the casket as I possibly can.

I guess it probably has something to do with the fact that I have a little boy about the same age as him and that just 3 weeks ago he and Jonah played in Jer's dads pool together. It makes me think horrible thoughts and makes me want to sit 3 feet from the pool everytime Jonah is even near it (instead of the 10 feet away I normally sit).

My deepest condolences and sympathies go out to Damien's parents...I can't imagine what they're going through. I would no longer be able to function as a normal human being were it me in their shoes.

RIP Damien...you will be missed.