A productive, tasty day!

Today we attended the open house for our wedding venue/caterer.  We got to view all the options and sample all the menu options so that we could make an educated decision....and we have decided!

For those close enough to us to make our bare bones guest list, they will be serenaded by our harpist while dining on the following:

A Basket of 5 Different Breads
Ceasar Salad
Penne Pasta with Tomato Sauce
Chicken with White Wine Mushroom Sauce
Baked Salmon
Potato Medley with purple, pink, white and sweet potatoes
Honey Glazed Baby Carrots
and
Broccoli with Mornay Sauce

For dessert, we will have Hot Apple Blossoms and Chocolate Raspberry Tartufo
Coffee and Tea will accompany dessert

Our guests will dine on chocolate brown table clothes with burnt orange napkins to match our wedding colours.  The chair covers will also be chocolate with orange bows.  In the centre of each table will be a 9 inch square clear glass vase with tiger lily's and a raffia bow.  The head table will be covered in ivory table cloths with white lights across the front and at the ends will be wrought iron candelabras.

After dinner and speeches, our guests will party the rest of the night away with Dancemaster DJ and enjoy an open bar.

I'm soooo freakin excited that this is all decided!!!  It makes it that much more REAL!!!  It was a very productive day that I had been looking forward to since July.

6 months, 5 days and counting!!!

Comment changes and some random thoughts

I've had to make some changes on my comments due to a bunch of spam I've been recieving.  I'm still allowing anonymous comments, mostly because I don't care and partly because the last one was such a positive thing for me...so from now on, you'll have to confirm the comment with the letters so I don't get so much spam.

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I have an on going situation with some people that I don't really get along with (or, rather, they don't get along with me).  It's been quiet for a while.  I can't help but have that gut feeling that something is about to happen with them.  Like because it's been so quiet, I can only expect that SOMETHING is going to come up.  It's like these people are attracted to the drama of fighting and arguing and it's been a while so you know they're going to need a fix soon.  So yeah, I don't have anything to write about with them at the moment but stay tuned, I think something is waiting in the wings.

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Our little girl is going to be 10 months old on Saturday.  TEN MONTHS!  She's starting to cruise on a walker toy that we have for her (though she falls quite a bit so we can't leave her side when she's playing with it), she's started to wave, she's talking up a storm and even though it doesn't make any sense it's freakin adorable!  I can't believe in two short months she's going to be a year old already!  It sure did fly by.

I'm back and forth about having another one.  Sometimes I can't imagine our family without another little one and then other times I think about how much pain I was in when I was pregnant with Marryn and wonder if I can do it again.  Our initial thought was we'd try again right after the wedding but now I'm thinking we should either wait until she's about 3 and close to going to school or just get a puppy instead lol.  I think we'll have to play it by ear after all the busy-ness of the wedding is done.

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Jonah is sick again.  I swear, the kid is sick at LEAST once a month.  A friend of mine mentioned that I should get him some homeopathic stuff to help boost his immune system so I'm going to look into that.  I feel so bad for the poor guy!  Everyone else is fine but he is sick all the time!  My mom said I was the same way and he is also showing all the signs of allergies like me so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

James is good...the same.  Other than being a typical 12.5 year old and the bit of attitude that goes along with the age he's doing well despite some stuff he has to go through.  He's incredibly resilient and I'm so proud of him.

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The wedding stuff is all the same right now.  Our stag and doe is 3 months from tomorrow!  I have all the stuff booked for that, I just have to buy alcohol and arrange food.  I'm looking forward to it.  3 months after that is the wedding!  It's flying by and soon we'll be married!!!

Fine tuning

I'm working on my wedding guest list and am in the process of fine tuning.  I never realized what a diffucult task this is!

I've spoken before about our budget and how I'm trying to balance budget with not offending anyone and not inviting anyone I have to worry about on that day...I'm also trying to figure out who is "most important" to us and who we really want to be there.

How do you choose between family that you see rarely and friends you don't really talk to anymore even though they've been your friend for a long time, from friends that you see and talk to often and family that you see more often than just at family gatherings?

I've got our guest list narrowed down to 125 adults (which is what we have to pay for anyway) and 12 children/teens.  There are about 60 guests on the "B List" that I would LOVE to have there but at this point in time they don't fit into our budget.

I think at this point we just have to suck it up and go with what we have.  If people are offended, they will either have to get over it and realize that we're paying for this ourselves, or not get over it and they weren't really worth having there anyway!

What I've learned in this process is that there will ALWAYS be someone offended in some way.  You can't please all of the people all of the time and you have to go with what you think is best.  Bottom line, this is our day...the end result will be the same!

New found talent

I'm taking a painting class and I LOVE it...I didn't think I even knew how to paint but turns out, I do!  Here are some of the things I've painted since November with the last being one of the memory jars we'll be using at our wedding on the memorial table...I painted that one all by myself outside of painting class, I'm quite proud of it!!

Anonymous comment = Helpful Reminder

After the post I wrote yesterday, someone...I don't know who for sure...decided that they would write a nasty comment about how self absorbed and fat and lazy I am...not to mention that my life is crap and I should go and stand in the lightning and quit whining and maybe my children would be better off that way.

This cowardly comment was a helpful reminder that my life is NOT crap.  That I, like every person, have flaws and am human and therefore I'm not alwasy wearing rose coloured glasses.  That, like most people, I do get stressed but that overall I'm pretty fackin happy with my life!

My children are happy and well cared for.  My bills are paid.  I have a job that I'm enjoying.  I'm engaged to the most wonderful man I could have ever asked for.  I'm honing a talent that I didn't even know I had and it's giving me immense joy.  Sure, my house is a mess (which is WAY different from dirty!) but my kids and future husband are happy, fed and entertained!

We're getting married in October...which, for anyone who has planned a wedding, knows that it's a stressful time trying to fit everyone in so that no one is offended yet trying to weed out those, who although they may be offended, you have to worry about doing something horrible on your day.  Trying to make sure that my guy's HUGE family can all be included and no one left out is a feat in itself because weddings ARE expensive.  For this anonymous person to suggest spending my money on my kids and instead "going to the justice of the peace" or whatever is ridiculous and obviously doesn't know me or our families very well...which is ok, I wouldn't expect them to.  We don't do that here in Canada.  You have to have someone marry you...you can't just go to city hall or the court house.  It doesn't work that way.

Not to mention, I WANT to have a wedding.  I want to stand in front of all of our family and friends and declare just how much I love him and that I will love him and take care of him and our family for the rest of our lives.  It is not something I am entering into lightly and to elope just doesn't seem like enough.  I don't expect you to understand, and you don't have to...I'm entitled to feel however I feel.

If the money doesn't come together (which I'm sure it will, but until it's physically available, I'll worry), then of course, we will scale down (brilliant idea anonymous, I'm working on cutting the guest list already as it is!) and have the biggest back yard pot luck wedding there ever was.  And I know all of our family and friends will be there to support us in that.  Because that's what family and friends do...they support each other.

So, to whomever it is that doesn't think my "whining" here is justified...a big eff u!  I'm glad you won't be back to read so I won't take up anymore of your time.  I'm sure your house is perfectly spotless with your 4 children while you work 45 hours a week.  I'm sure that life is peachy keen at the Bitchy McAnonymous household.

But here?  We stress, we worry and we are a bit messy. 
But we're HAPPY.

Anxiety and stress

Easter weekend turned out to be CRAP.  Both the boys ended up with some stomach flu...Jonah was throwing up on Friday and James was throwing up on Saturday.

I know I've mentioned it before but I have a vomitting phobia.  It was so bad on Saturday that I had to resort to medication to calm myself down.  It was horrible and I haven't had an attack like that in a long time (and hope it's a while before something like that happens again!!!).  While I'm glad I got the medication to begin with, I wish I didn't have to take it at all.

I feel....I don't even know the words.  Defective?  Ridiculous?  I don't know .  But I hate it.  It's something that is a natural bodily reaction to harmful bacteria in our bodies and I FREAK THE FUCK OUT.  Like, involuntary shaking at my core.  Hyperventilating.  Feeling sick myself (which is something that has continued on and off since Friday and is one of the most horribly side effects of this "syndrome").

On top of all of that I'm feeling VERY stressed about the financial aspects of the wedding.  It's very hard to see that the money will appear and go exactly where we need it to!  In turn....stress.  Which also causes more anxiety.  Vicious cycle.

This has also started appearing in my house as MESS.  I'm continually trying to get my mind off of my anxiety and therefore either coming on the computer or watching a movie or going for a drive.  My house is a disaster area right now and I'm bound and determined to get SOMETHING done today....ANYTHING.  Just so it doesn't look like this anymore.

Right now, however, there is a bit of a thunderstorm headed our way and it's so dark in here I may have to turn on a light...I think I'll wait for it to pass and then get to work...it will only be a short-lived storm.

So, that's the plan, enjoy the storm, wait for the baby to sleep, then clean and try to stop stressing and panicking so much....

Please wish me luck....I need it!

Spring has sprung!

There are buds on the trees and everything is wet, muddy and new smelling.  I saw some yellow weed type flowers on someone's lawn when I was driving the other day too.  It's all very refreshing!!!

I'm very happy that the winter is finally over.  It was a short one, for sure, but it was harsh on me emotionally and I'm feeling better now that there are warmer days and sunshine....well, not today, it's cold and rainy but that's to be expected at this time of year. :)

There isn't a whole lot to report at the moment...I'm getting a tattoo on Thursday to cover one I have on my neck that doesn't suit me anymore.  I'm getting a fairy done (I collect them)...

Something like this.

Then in the near future I'm also getting my horribly done tattoo on my arm fixed/covered by the same girl.  I'm very excited to have a beautiful tattoo to show off at my wedding!!!!

Next month is also the open house for our reception venue where we get to taste and see everything that is included in our package so we can make an informed decision about what we serve and how we decorate...we refer to this day as "Tasty Day" lol...Can't wait!!!!

Other than that, wedding planning is slow right now because we have as much as possible done right now.  I'm still plugging away at the favours and still painting for our wedding party gifts and stag and doe prizes.  Tuxes are picked out and we basically just have to wait for the money to be there to do anything else!

I hope you're all enjoying our spring weather!  :)

Feeling a little better...

The sun is SHINING!!!  A LOT!  I love it and how much better it makes me feel!!!

The job is going well, it's still a lot of work for little money but I'm getting the hang of things and I DON'T hate it yet lol...which is a good sign!!!!

The hours work well with everyone's schedule (even though I have to work every weekend) and I'm very glad about that.

Things, while tight right now, are starting to look up.  Jer was at his union hall the other day and if he weren't taking his basic plumbing course right now he'd be back to work.  He'll likely be back to work as soon as his done on April 23rd and I'm SO HAPPY about that.  We're barely keeping afloat right now...our taxes will be done Friday and we'll be using that money to pay off a bunch of the credit card debt (only to wrack it up again with wedding expenses lol) and to get a new tire for the van (why does shit break only when you have no money?? lol).

Also, my future sister in law made one of my wedding dreams come true...she booked us a harpist for our ceremony and two hours at our reception...I'm SOOO excited!!!  All my life I've wanted to walk down the aisle to a harp playing Canon in D and I was going to just use a recording of it...now I'll have it played live!!

I'm so glad that spring is around the corner!  My best friend is moving in the apartment kitty corner from us on April 1st as well which I'm so so excited about!!

Anyway, that's all for now...

Soak up the sunshiny goodness!!!!

Smarch

A few things to write on this, the first day of March....I'm so happy that spring is on it's way...I'm hoping it will pull me out of my funk.  Because I'm certainly stuck knee deep in it.  And it sucks.

First, please, send all your prayers and peace vibes to this little girl http://laylagrace.org/ .  The poor little girl is in her last days at not even two years old.  I'm praying her sleep comes soon so she can be at peace again.  I send all my thoughts and prayers to her family...I can't even begin to imagine what they are going.  And I'm so so thankful for the health that my family does have...things like this remind me how absolutely lucky we really are!

Second...work.  It's going ok.  I don't mind it too much, it's not a bad job but it is a lot of work for little pay (yet so is just about everything these days).  I worked a lot last week but now I'm off until Friday.  And I work every other Friday and every Saturday and Sunday for the foreseeable future...which blows.  But, Jer's still laid off and we have a wedding to pay for so, I will plug away until I can be at home with my babies again.

Third, I had another abnormal pap.  I'm freaking out just a little bit...and it sucks because my anxiety and depression have been at full force recently.  I had one before I had my transfer for the giant baby as well, and then a colposcopy which came back normal and a normal pap followed that.  Now, another abnormal.  It could be nothing but now I'm having some mid-cycle spotting as well so my mind is going AHHH!!  THE C WORD!!! (cancer).  I am probably over reacting (surprise!) but I'm pretty anxious about it.  I'm not supposed to have a repeat pap until August but I called the Dr. this morning to see about getting in sooner because of the spotting.  He's not in today but will call me tomorrow (or so the nurse says).  I'm trying not to stress but like I put it to Jer, "if something was 'abnormal' with your testicles and then you had bleeding when you weren't supposed to have bleeding, wouldn't you worry??"...he said good point.  Everything could very well be a coincidence because I've been nursing Marryn less due to working and I am stressed and anxious about stuff which can make your reproductive organs do strange things...but still...all that coupled with the abnormal pap makes me worry and I won't stop until I know something more than "it's abnormal"...I need to know how, why, when, where, what.  Anyway.  Next.

A lot of my stress and anxiety and general funk is do to some really inconsiderate, rude and overall nasty people that I MUST deal with due to...well, I have a child with one of them.  There has been a lot of nastiness in the last couple of months.  And honestly, I really TRY to get along...there have only been a few times when I didn't try to get along because I'd had enough.  In general I'm usually pretty co-operative more often than not.  Anytime things are asked of me, unless there is a good reason for it, I always say no problem.  Anytime there is a question for me, even if it's unpleasant, I try to answer without attitude or snarkiness because I just don't have the energy to get into it with someone who knows all the right buttons to push to make me yell at him.  Thankfully most of the communications as of late are through email...which allows me to take a step back and reply as civilly as possible...or not respond at all if I can't do it without being civil in the least.  The woman he's dating I have the most issues with...because he's away working right now, I've been mostly dealing with her.  And I can't even ask a question without her freaking out and telling me I'm "changing my tune" or "demanding" things.  I finally had enough after the last slew of emails and told her I would no longer communicate with her because it's never EVER pleasant or civil.  There is always a PROBLEM to deal with and it's not worth it to me.  I'm not obligated to speak to her and everytime I try to communicate, I end up pissed off.  I don't need that.  So I said, END.  Done.  Anyway...things aren't figured out anymore now than when this shit started so it will be an ongoing topic here I'm sure.  But it's nice that I have here to come and vent about it (non-describingly so as not to 'out' anyone, those who know, know).  I REALLY need to vent about it because otherwise it stews and makes me more angry as time goes on.  There are just some things that I can't believe were said and it makes me incredibily angry and SOOO so sad for my child.  /sigh/

Anywho, aside from feeling like I want to cry 12 out of 24 hours today...I'm trying to be positive and thankful for everything I have...that's something right?

Enough droning.

P.S.  Check out Martin Sexton...  GREAT music!!!

The Simple Womans Day Book

FOR TODAY


Outside my window...is has started to snow and is grey and dreary.

I am thinking...about my child's health while he is at the emergency room for swelling around his eyes and eyelids.

I am thankful for...my wonderful family, they are everything to me.

From the kitchen...Jeremy made Dr. Pepper Cake yesterday...it's lovely, moist and fudgy....yummy!

I am wearing...workout clothes, as always...even though I don't particularily like working out!

I am creating...many things...lots of tole painting and also some things for our upcoming wedding.

I am going...with Jer to pick out tuxes on Friday afternoon...I'm very excited!!

I am reading...tutorials on painting.

I am hoping...that our Jonah will be well again soon!

I am hearing...Marryn starting to complain in her crib...she is resisting her nap.

Around the house...is a little untidy but otherwise quiet and comfortable.

One of my favorite things...is listening to my children laugh.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Friday I have a knee specialist appointment and then picking out tuxes in the afternoon, Saturday we're going for dinner and a comedy show and Sunday is quiet.  Then I start work Monday.

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

Short lived success and Family Day

So, she wasn't so enthusiastic in the evening when I put my milk in said bottle.  She wouldn't even try it.  So I think we'll have to stick to watered down juice as a side with my homemade soup for her "mid-shift meal" when I'm working.  She just will NOT take it.  I know she'll be ok but I can't help but be a little bit sad that I can't give her what she wants, even just for that one meal when I'm not home.  It's good for us in the long run but bittersweet for me.

Anyway, we're having Jer's dad, step mom and brother and sisters over for dinner on Monday for family day.  I'm cooking a turkey that I got on sale at the butcher the last time I was there.  I'm really looking forward to it!  I'm also gonna make a lemon meringue pie with a graham cracker crust and some chocolate chip or peanut butter cookies for dessert.

Thinking a little down the road but I can't wait to be the one cooking for our families on holidays too.  Right now, we all get together on Christmas eve at a hall because there are too many of us but eventually I think that will come to an end (hopefully later rather than sooner, I love the big family get togethers!).  I'm hoping when we buy a house it will be big enough to fit everyone in for holidays.

When I was a little girl, my mom was always the one to cook dinners for holidays and special occassions like birthdays.  Whether it was turkey or roast beef or pork, I always loved when the whole family came together.  Even though I was the black sheep and made fun of by my "step brother and sister" and my cousins who always told me I was weird, I had aunts and uncles and my papa who always showed me that they loved me.  I loved it when they came over!  The smell of turkey at Christmas time is such a wonderful memory of that and look forward to my kids having the same kind of memories.

So, Happy Family Day!!!

Still waiting

But not to find out about the job...I got the job!  I find out when I have training on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Also, tonight we had success with this nipple which is awesome and makes me feel so much better about the whole situation!!

But, I'm still waiting...for spring and our Sunday drives to get local fruits and vegetables.  I watched a cooking show today that showed fruit crumble and I can't wait to make it!!!

I absolutely love our Sundays in the spring, summer and fall!  It's such quality time for us as a family...even James, though he doesn't come all the time, is excited to see what we got when we got home (he just hates the drives!!).  I'm so looking forward to resuming the routine!! And then of course the warm sunshine and cool breeze and the smell of the snow melting.  I love the feeling of cool and warm mixed that only comes with early spring...it's refreshing and makes me feel like I'm awakening!

 What do you love about spring?

Waiting

Tis a waiting game...such is life.

I had my second interview at the part time laundromat job yesterday and now I'm waiting to hear if I got it or not.  Did I mention I hate waiting???  Yeah.  Me?  Not so patient!

And then of course, waiting for everything to be in order for the wedding.  That is the worst kind of waiting because I'm not entirely sure when it will get done.  I've done just about everything I can possibly do aside from finish assembling favours...which I could do to hold me over...if I had a minute to breathe and sit down and do them!!

Feels like there are not enough hours in the day these days...

I'll update when I know.

PMS ect.

I hate when I'm bitchy.  I particularly hate the fact that I'm bitchy with my family and my already pretty short fuse becomes nonexistent.  I'm snippy, I'm bitchy, I'm depressed and almost nothing can make me happy for long.  It sucks.

I am currently trying not to let this PMS take over my life (for as long as it's around anyway) because it's not fair.  I should be able to control my emotions but PMS sure makes it damn hard to do that!!!!

In other news, I've started printing our invitations!!

The caption reads:

~As golden autumn imbues her radiant leaves

Tired summer rests as the seasons weave

As harvest begins, joyful hearts renew

There will be one, where once were two~

And then the rest of the information follows (though it's not pictured here)...

Deep breath

In and out.  Sigh.

Things will be ok with our nursing situation.  I'm not taking the job at the call centre.

I am, however, going to continue looking for part time work so that I can continue nursing and I did receive a call today about another job that is part time so we'll see if that pans out!  I'm not against the idea of working, I'm just against the idea of quitting nursing when my daughter is clearly not ready and not interested in anything but me!  She even takes solids sparsely.  She really enjoys apples, pears and peaches but isn't interested in anything but.  The girl cannot live on fruit alone!

So, the plan is, part time for now while I'm her main food source.  Then in April when she's able to have some cows milk and also eating some more solids (hopefully!!!) then I will look into the full time job with my best friend.  I'm hoping it all works out my way!!!

Anyway, here is a preview of our stag and doe tix!!

The logisitcs

Well I got a job.  The one at the call centre.  And about an hour and a half later, Jer got called to go to school for his apprenticeship from March 1st to April 23rd.  Monday to Friday days.

My training would be 7:30am to 3pm, 5 days a week but I'm not sure what days.  I'm supposed to start on the 18th.

We've been working on the bottle for Marryn too.  It's not going well...we've tried formula, juice, a mix of my milk and formula....she won't have any of it.  We're gonna keep trying...there is a nipple that is shaped like her nuni (pacifier) that we're gonna get and see if that helps.

I'm so damn down about this whole situation and it stinks!  I was thinking about it on my way to my interview...and I know I've been all sappy and emotional about it and so I thought to myself, "I'm gonna suck it up, put on my big girl panties and go to work to help keep my family afloat while we're in this situation."  I know Marryn will be ok, though it'll be hard.  And then when Jer got called it was like a spiral right back to where I was yesterday when I was bawling while watching Jer try to get a screaming Marryn to take a bottle that she didn't want.

Anyway, we're gonna talk about it and work on it and see what we can come up with...in the mean time, we picked and ordered our stag and doe tickets!

Happy February

Ahhh, the month before spring...the month of red and pink hearts and romance and chocolate....the month of groundhogs and shadows and now also Family Day (though I think just about everyday is family day, I don't need a day to tell me to appreciate them!).

I've always loved February.  Even though it's usually the coldest month of the year, it's also the shortest month and it's so much closer to spring than January!!

I'm hoping to start off this month great and be offered a job soon!  As much as I don't want to, if I have to, I want to just do it already.  I HATE job searching...I always have!  I got a call from one of the call centres in the area and I returned the call and left a message so I'm just waiting to hear back from them again.  I think that's my best bet at the moment.  Until something better comes along anyway.

We've finally got our Stag and Doe booked for July 16th!  I've been doing a lot of planning around that right now and I'm in the process of designing tickets...I'll probably post a couple of pictures to get some feedback (not than anyone comments often, but I figure maybe I'll put a vote thingy up).

This month is kinda quiet, which is nice.  A few appointments but other than that not much is going on.  Of course, Valentine's day is coming up but with our current $$ situation, we probably won't do a whole lot, if anything.  Which is ok, again, I don't need a day to tell me to love and appreciate my signifigant other...I love him and appreciate him everyday.  I'll get him a card but that may be the extent of it!

James has a bowling tournament about an hour and a half away at the end of the month as well that we're all looking forward to...I'm so happy he enjoys it and it's good at it!

Then, MARCH!!  Bring on the sunshine and dew and sprouts and buds!  I can't wait to smell that earthy scent again.  I'm grateful that our winter has been so lienient on us but I'm still so looking forward to spring!

Unboring weekend :)

This is the first time in a long time that I've had something to do all weekend.  Today I went to my friend's baby shower...I love baby showers :)  Most people hate them but I love them, I always have.   How could you not love going to celebrate someone's new arrival?? :)

Then tomorrow my best friend and I are going to mass to check out the church I'm getting married in.  I've been there before but I never thought to count the pews lol...I have to make pew cones and figure out how many pumpkins we need as well so we're gonna make the trip out there.  Marnie has never seen it either so it'll be nice to get her thoughts on how we should decorate.

Then tomorrow night we're all getting together with a few more friends to play our Wii.  I love having people over to hang out where it's relaxed like that :)  So much fun!

I also got another call about a job today, this one for a call centre.  I've done that plenty of times so it doesn't make me nervous or anything....I just know that it's full time and we'll have to see about the nursing thing.  I'll update when I know more.

Job interviews and sadness

I had two yesterday.  They were both informal, one being at a Tim Horton's and the other being after a hypnotist show at a comedy club.

One is part time, one is full time.  My good friend Boho Mom babysat for the one at night at the comedy club which is the full time one.  Upon returning home she asked, "How the hell are you going to manage this??".  Although Marryn was good, she knows when I'm not home and she misses my breasts.  Boho mom and her daughter along with my sons fed Marryn some applesauce when she was hungry and although she gobbled it up, it's not the same as mom's milk.

I have this knot in the pit of my stomach that is letting me know that this is NOT going to work.  I have to figure something else out...I'm still applying for jobs but hoping that something comes along that will work out in a way that will allow me to continue nursing her the way she wants.

She will NOT take formula...we've tried that.  It doesn't taste anywhere close to the same as my milk and she knows the difference.  We tried that early on in hopes that we could get out for more than two hours at a time.  But even at a month old, she knew the difference and was not interested.  I do have a pump but it is an occasional use pump...I could probably make due with that for a short time but even then...there is no "extra" milk.  I would have to pump a LOT to get a single serving (as I have done in the past).  I'm going to start soon in hopes that I can have a bottle or two in the event that I do get a job.

And then even if that does happen and I have the bottle or two, I will have to pump at work in order to keep my milk supply up and keep the extra bottle for Dad or whoever is taking care of her while I'm at work.

It all feels so very complicated.  It all feels so very wrong.

I've been searching for years for an at home data entry job...I can type like 800 words per minute.  I would be GOOD at that job...and then still be able to do my main job, my full time job, my most rewarding job here at home.

I hate feeling torn between money and taking care of my family (especially since having money is part of taking care of my family).  I hate feeling like I'm not contributing if I'm not working (since I most certainly am paying half of the bills with other income).  Most of all I hate this depression that has come over me since accepting that I need to find work, even temporarily, to keep our family afloat.

This is a kitchen sink post

I'm feeling sort of down these last few days.  I've recently had to come to terms with the fact that I need to work at the moment.  I really enjoy my job as a stay at home mom and I'm feeling really down about going to work and quitting breastfeeding early (unless I find a job that will work around Marryn's schedule which I'm not expecting).  I can still pump and still nurse her when I am home but it won't be the same.  I know, as long as she's getting what she needs it doesn't matter right?  Well, it does to me.  My favourite time is when I'm nursing her...it's such an amazing feeling to know that she needs me for such an important job!  But, my family also needs me to go to work while Jer is off and while it's not what I want to do, it's what I need to do and so I will do it.

Some people have said to me that it must be nice to have the "luxury" of staying home and doing nothing all day.  I can assure them that I DO NOT do nothing.  I will miss my duties here at home and it will probably drive me a little crazy that I'm not doing things "my way" lol...some people don't get that though.

I have an interview tomorrow night at a comedy club as a box office sales agent.  It's full time days with some nights.  Should be interesting and I'll update.

I miss the routine of Jer at work too.  It was up to me to get up and get the kids ready and off to school and from there I would come home and tidy and sometimes start dinner if it was something that needed to be slow cooked like roast or spaghetti sauce.  Now, I've been staying up later and sleeping in longer because Jer will get up with the kids part of the time.  I'll look forward to going back to that routine even though I'll miss having Jer around all the time.  It's fun that we get to hang out everyday!  Lots of quality time :)

It's also been good with wedding planning.  I've been able to ask his advice and preference on stuff while I'm looking at it instead of having to send a message or email about it.  We've recently decided on a limo and flowers which we weren't sure we were going to do before.  I'm really looking forward to how the next 9 months are going to play out!  It will be nice to see all our hard work come together in the most fun way!  Hopefully ours is a reception that people will always remember!!!  How could you not in costume?!

I have more to write but I think it should have a post dedicated to it.  So I will end here and write more later/tomorrow.  I also feel the urge to write another chapter so that may be coming soon as well.

Later!