Popcorn, Cherry Popsicles and Cauliflower

THOSE are my cravings so far. That and a sandwich...but not just any sandwich....a big, honkin' sandwich with lots of lettuce and tomatoes and sub sauce and mayo and......yeah. And so far, I'm NOT craving the smell of Comet as I did with the twins and Niko. I'M SO GLAD!!!

I was watching a Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby today on TLC and I was SOOOOO weepy!!! Here are my issues:

~ I'm afraid that I will feel differently towards this baby than I do to the boys...Jonah really. When I was pregnant with Jonah, I didn't have that feeling like I wouldn't have enough love for both of them...I'm not sure if it was because I had been away from James so much that we don't have the bond I'd like to have or what the deal was but I wasn't worried and didn't have any of these feelings. It's new to me and it scares me and makes me very sad. I'm sure it's normal but it still sucks none-the-less.

~ I'm afraid of giving birth again. My last two births have not exactly gone smoothly. The twins were born via emergency c-section. I had a section scheduled but they had their own schedule...they came 5 weeks early, 3 weeks before the scheduled section and they were breech. The c-section is by far the worst experience (physically) of my entire life. It was very scary and the nurses and doctors are desensitized and think it's 'normal' to be afraid and so on and so forth and therefore don't offer much in the way of comfort. Then with Niko, I bled. ALOT. So much so that my blood pressure dropped severely and made me throw up (one of my worst fears is throwing up) and made me weak for about 2 weeks after he was born. Other than that the birth was great but recovering from that was pretty awful...how would I take care of a newborn in that condition? I think I would tell them to give me the blood transfusion they debated on so that I could recover better. I had a transfusion after the twins as well and I felt better almost immediately.

~ I'm afraid that if we have a girl this time I won't know what to do with her. I've taken care of two baby boys...easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. Girls are all new parts!!! I have them myself but I've never had to care for anyones but my own!!! Lots of learning to do if she's a girl!

~ I'm feeling very ambivilant at times and while I've read that it's normal, I've been nothing but excited for my own babies in the past so this is new to me. I already love this baby SOOO much and I cannot wait for their arrival but on the otherhand I'm SCARED! It's been four and will be almost five years when they come....I'm out of practice!

Anyway, those are my issues to say the least...this is all piled on top of normal pregnancy stuff like morning sickness and mood swings.

I feel bad for my family!

Still Surreal

So, the last two posts kind of sucked, I know. But honestly, I really don't have a whole lot to report. Being in early pregnancy, I don't feel the baby yet, I can't hear the heartbeat on my doppler yet, I haven't had the ultrasound yet so I can't post any pictures of the little bean. Early pregnancy, despite being sick, is pretty boring lol.

It's still surreal to me really. In the last three years I've been pregnant three times and this is the 4th baby (there were twins in 2006). This is the first of those babies that I'm actually bringing home with me. It's hard to believe sometimes...we don't have much done in the way of preparing yet...we have some clothes that were given to us but that's about it. Jonah's crib is still at my moms and we don't really have a place for it at the moment...of course it's still very early to be even thinking about those things but I think as time goes on and as more things are accumulated and prepared, it will make it more real.

Reflecting on the last two pregnancies is weird too. They aren't all that different than this one thouse I'm not nearly as sick this time because I'm not on any of the medications I was for the surrogacy (both were IVF and so needed drugs to sustain the pregnancy until 12 weeks when the placenta took over). Still, I'm having a very hard time envisioning bringing this baby home with us and having him or her with me all the time during the hospital stay. The last two times, I brought DVD's and magazines to keep me occupied and I was still bored lol. This time is going to be so different...we're going to have a baby!!!!

I'm very excited to be a mom again. We're not finding out the sex this time so that will add to the excitement in the end as well...but really, I'm SO DONE being pregnant for a while. I feel so very lucky and blessed to be able to get pregnant so easily and quickly. I know how many mother's (those with children and those without, I truly believe that every woman who wants children is already a mother) would love to be in my shoes and who would like to throw rocks at me for complaining!! Trust me, I am grateful! I'm just very excited to NOT be pregnant for a while after this little peanut comes. I'm sure my body will thank me as well!

So, while I'm not throwing out great posts right now, keep in mind I'm still under construction here and early pregnancy is boring (not to mention makes you sick a little everyday lol) and I promise to have better posts soon!!!!

Uneventful

Dr's appointment went well, not much to report, have a bunch of bloodwork to complete and then our first ultrasound was scheduled for December 11th at 2:15pm. Can't wait!!! Next appointment with the Dr. is December 18th. I'll get a firm due date then. :)

Doctor's Appointment!!

First one of the "season"/pregnancy. Expecting a approximate due date, blood work and a first ultrasound date. Update when I get home...very excited :) Makes it more real.

Who Am I?

Have you ever stopped to think about it for real? What encompasses you? What defines you? What makes you who you are? If you were asked to describe yourself, what would you say?

I am at a loss for words. I'm sad because I really don't feel like I know who I am.

After talking with This Guy about blogs and comments and Blog names, it occured to me that I am NOT the Cross Stitch Bitch (despite the fact that I do Cross Stitch and I do Bitch from time to time, it doesn't not encompass me). Nor am I a soapbox as this blog had originally started as (even though I do step up there sometimes, I'm not continuously on the box).

Who am I?

There will be a new name coming in the future, one I hope will be ME. One I hope will explain who I am or at least sort of explain.

I'm simple. I'm not eye catching. I'm not glamourous. I'm not shiny or sparkly. I don't really have an edge. I don't wear make up or fancy clothes. I don't stand out. I really am a girl next door.

And that's ok, because I like it that way.

I was tagged!

Answer with one word only!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Where is your significant other? work
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your favorite thing? family
5. Your dream last night? Dunno
6. Your dream/goal? sing
7. The room you’re in? office
8. Your hobby? computer
9. Your fear? death
10. Where do you want to be in six years? stable
11. Where were you last night? home
12. What you’re not? male
13. One of your wish list items? Mac
14. Where you grew up? Port
15. The last thing you did? phone
16. What are you wearing? pants
17. Your T.V.? off
18. Your pet? fish
19. Your computer? slow
20. Your mood? retrospective
21. Missing someone? always
22. Your car? van
23. Something you’re not wearing? socks
24. Favorite store? Walmart
25. Your Summer? fast
26. Love someone? yes
27. Your favorite color? blue
28. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
29. Last time you cried? today

I tag Jennifer, Marnie, and Ruth. Everyone else I would have tagged has already done it or have been tagged! :)

The Coolest Site I've Seen in a While

http://www.zefrank.com/from52to48withlove/

How great is this? It's amazing what has already changed in the world since the election. I'm still filled with a sense of hope, even as the economy is crashing around us!

All around us

In almost every blog I read there are issues with money and the economy. Some of those bloggers are even freelance writers and are having to look for part-time jobs to make ends meet. It's all around us and we're no different.

We've really been struggling to make ends meet and now we're a little worried because it's almost Christmas. For the last 2 years, the boys have had a wonderful Christmas because there have been no money issues, we've had it in abundance. This year, not so much. This year, I am cross-stitching a lot of gifts and even those feel like it's not enough. For the boys, we will be going very easy on presents...it will be a different year from the last 2 that's for sure. I'm thinking we're going to get a board game or 2 and spend a lot of time doing that with the kids so they don't remember how much they DON'T have...we've already warned them that this year will be different and I think they'll be good about it but it still makes me sad that I can't give them everything I want to!

I'm actually kind of hoping to get some work for the holiday season. Just something to get us through Christmas and the new year so we don't fall short. The cleaning thing didn't go very well...last I posted I had to go see a lady and clean for her for an hour or so...O.M.G. Their house was DISGUSTING. I was literally cleaning other people's feces off of toilets and other surfaces in the bathroom. I almost threw up because I'm pregnant and have a weak stomach at the moment...it was bad....so bad that the guy that was renovating their basement asked me to move the van and so I did....all the way back to my driveway. Without saying anything else. I just couldn't do it!! It was HORRIBLE. $15/hour is NOT enough to clean THAT. So, on to something else I guess. I'm still plugging away at PartyLite...not doing too bad but again, the economy is NOT good for people in this business.

If this isn't a depression, whatever you call it, it's friggin depressing to me!!! I know we won't be in this situation forever. Jer's got a great job that guarantee's raises every year (he's an apprentice steamfitter). When the baby comes, he'll have already received a raise and we will also have the child tax benefit we get now raised and we'll be doing fine. But until then, it's a crunch and I think everyone is feeling the effects.

In Rememberance

The man hanging out the window is my Papa. Though he was never on the front lines (God rest those who were), he did serve in WWII. I'm not entirely sure when this picture was taken but I've always loved it and when I saw BohoMoms post today, it totally reminded me of it.

Remembering those who served then, who are serving now and who will serve in the future. Your courage speaks louder than words ever could. Thank you.

Mr. President....

The results of this poll speak volumes. I hope this is the way it goes in the U.S. as well.

Good Luck Mr. Obama...Canada is rooting for you!

Sorry!

I know, I know, I've been slacking. Here are my updates....

Job: I put an ad on our local Kijiji site offering housecleaning services and I've had several inquiries about it. Today I have to go meet a woman and do an hour or so of cleaning to see if she likes my work. I also may have to go check out another house that I was going to check out yesterday but when I went there the people weren't home (even though I was scheduled to come, dunno if that's a bad sign or not...). I have talked to a few other people but one woman wanted me to do EVERYTHING from bedding to garbages and her house smelled like cat litter. I had specified in my ad what I offered...walls, baseboards, cupboards wiped down, sweeping, mopping, dusting, windows and disinfecting bathroom fixtures. I also added that things could be added for an additional fee but when I was speaking with this woman there was no mention of any additional fees. I spoke with another lady who I would have been ok with doing her house except that the hours weren't good. She wanted me to start no later than 8:30 am and Jonah doesn't even get on the bus until 8:45 so I would have had to get daycare just to work three hours and not to mention drive out there. Wasn't worth the money I would have spent.

Partylite is going ok...I would like to be doing more shows but I have been plugging away at it and trying to get more bookings by offering items for cheap or free even....my mom and my best friend got me a few random orders as well so that my sales were a bit more for the month of October. I have my first November show coming up on the 7th and I think it will go pretty well. Then I'm not booked again until the 21st so we'll see if I can't fill something in the 2 weeks before. Anyone want a show and is within a few hours from me??? I don't mind travelling!

Baby:

Everything is good so far. I have my first OB/GYN appointment on November 20th and I"ll probably be scheduled for an ultrasound then to get some firm dates. I would assume that they'll probably use the July 1st due date but we'll see. I'm excited to see our little peanut! We've also decided that we won't be finding out the sex of the baby when it comes to the big u/s in January (ish) because Jer's family doesn't want to know and I KNOW I won't be able to keep my mouth shut if we know!!!! I was debating finding out or not anyway so that just made the decision for me that I don't want to know until he or she is born.

Everything else:

Everything else is pretty good, we're battling colds here. Super sore throat and coughs and low fevers....ugh. Hate this season for that.

That's about it really....will update soon!

I've been tagged!!

So, I was tagged by This Guy and I'm not so good with the tagging but if you want to be tagged, consider yourself tagged!!!

6 Random Things about me:

1. I used to date women....then there was this one the fucked me up completely so I stopped. We are all the same, male or female. Either we're crazy and mean or we aren't...doesn't matter what's hiding in our underwear.

2. I am double jointed...I can bend my fingers back WAY farther than normal people can...it freaks people out and is hilarious!

3. I have only recently discovered my inner home-maker/craftiness. I didn't know I could cross-stitch, crochet, sew, or bake as well as I can...I'm LOVING it!!

4. I love to take pictures though I'm not very good at it yet. I'm just learning my camera and I'm trying though.

5. I think I have strep throat right now and have been up since 6:30 debating on whether or not to go to the walk-in clinic/ER to have it looked at and possibly get something for it.

6. I'm pregnant and this is why I'm debating even going to the ER. I'm not sure they could do anything for me anyway.

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I cannot believe it happened so quickly!!! I have two possible due dates...the first one, based on my my last cycle would be July 1st, 2009 (Canada Day!!!) and the second, which is more accurate but not always paid attention to by Dr.'s unless they are an RE is based on my ovulation which would be July 8th, 2009. And then of course there is whatever due date the ultrasound will give me. I have an appointment to get a refferal to my OB on November 3rd.

Bit of a beef with that, I've been with my OB for 4.5 years and I still need a referral from my family Dr. I think it's ridiculous and a waste of healthcare money to go to my regular Dr. just for a piece of paper that they will fax to my OB who I've seen hundreds of times!! Oh, and they can't just FAX it to them...no, I have to go in there. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, super happy and ecstatic :D

As promised...

Here are the items I'm working on...
This one as taken me some time to do


But this one only took me an afternoon, this is what I was working on yesterday :)

Well then...

It's occured to me that I haven't posted any pictures of my cross stitching...so I'm going to work on some today and then post some pictures. I need to get to work on it because I'm doing a bunch of little projects for Christmas and I haven't started on those yet. And the project I have been working on needs to be finished and framed before November 30th.

I also said I would post some pictures from our Thanksgiving weekend in Havelock so here they are!

For some reason the dog comes up sideways and I can't fix it lol...those are the "Turkey" cupcakes I made with the kids while we were away. There would have been more of them but the oven in our cottage didn't have any numbers on the dial and I had to guess what the temperature was!! The first batch was burnt!

Off to Stitch!

Outraged is a very good describing word.

It seems I've had a lot to say over the last week-ish. I haven't posted it all here but I've wanted to. Instead I've been bitching about it to anyone who'll listen (even if they don't want to).

I'm OUTRAGED at this gov't/country/world.

It started with the election in the States. To think that anyone in their right mind could vote for a man who wants to decide what women do and don't do with their uteri is beyond me. In my opinion: No Uterus, No Say. Mr. McCain had a lot to say at the debate with Mr. Obama the other night and it was not good. It was blogged about here and here if you're interested. I'm not going to get into it but he doesn't think much of women and I think it would be very detrimental to their country for him to be elected as the next president.

Then of course we had our election here...which doesn't get nearly as much attention from our country as the American one. But even still, there was the thoughts of who to vote for and if it would really matter anyway. Turns out it didn't. I read a news article the next day about the election costing 300 Million dollars........and nothing has changed. All through the election I read about how the Tories weren't doing very well and all through my city there was chatter about how we need a different approach and everyone thought a different party would finally be elected.

What I would like to know is with all of that, who are all these people voting for the Tories? If we are in such a desperate need of change then why didn't it change?? Would it be so far off to wonder if the Tories are stealing votes or doing something they shouldn't be to gain votes (not unlike Mr. Bush)? How can it stay the same when so many people are thinking differently these days?

It doesn't help that only 58% of the voting population actually voted.

WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE???? It is your right and obligation to decide who our gov't will be made up of and you can't be bothered???? In Switzerland (or something like that, I read it somewhere), you MUST vote, by law, or be fined.

LETS DO THAT HERE. Maybe we'll get the change we've all be talking about.

And can we PLEASE stop crucifying the NDP? Yes, Bob Rae got in and fucked up BIG time...but that was how many years ago and he's a LIBERAL now!!!! Stop crucifying the party for one person's actions...he's not even there anymore.

Why are single people (and I know there are exceptions to every rule but I'm not talking about the people who abuse the system or commit fraud) who are down and out on their luck and in need of help living on $525/month while the same single people who have severe depression on ODSP (or disability insurance) living on almost $1000/month?

Why are single moms with one child living on that same $1000/month while that same mom on ODSP receiving almost double that?

What is the difference? Is the cost of living less if you're not disabled? I just don't understand.

It's ALMOST do-able to live on that amount in this area...and when I say almost I mean going without milk for 2 out of the 4 weeks there are in the month and going to the food bank the one time a month you're entitled to just to make ends meet.

I can't imagine anyone trying to survive on that amount in a larger city. It explains why a lot of people are having to choose between food and a roof over their heads.

(Disclaimer: I know there are people out there who buy tobacco, alcohol and drugs with their social assistance money, but there are a lot of people who don't as well...I know, I was one of them.)

Then there was the whole abortion protest thing.

EXCUSE ME, I DON'T LIKE YOUR OPINION SO STOP SHOVING IT DOWN MY THROAT PLEASE!!!! You're entitled to it, but I don't have to listen to it. It should not be forced on me. By law, I'm allowed to think what I want and I don't think the same as you and I do not force my views on you by way of poster boards along Lundy's Lane.

Then, in a different topic other than politics (because abortion is a huge political issue these days) is this man. Long story short in case you can open the link: A violent sex offender, who was released from jail Thursday for abducting and sexually assaulting a nine-year-old in Richmond Hill in 2004, has relocated to my city...about 10 minutes from where I live. Case was convicted Feb. 9, 2006, for kidnapping, sexual assault causing bodily harm and uttering death threats relating to a 2004 kidnapping and sexual assault of a nine-year-old female in York Region. He was originally moving to a waterfront Burlington neighbourhood. He changed those plans after police issued a warning to people living in the community that he would be residing in the Guelph Line and Lakeshore Road area of Burlington. By Thursday afternoon, Case was reported to be in Niagara Falls where he has a relative.

Both my boy's schools have sent home warnings about this man along with a Streetproofing guide and what to enforce in our children about strangers, ect.

His terms include not to have any contact with females younger than the age of 18 unless approved (I'd like to know who gets to approve this); not to attend areas where children can be expected to gather (being that this is one of the biggest tourist cities, I think that would exclude the whole city?) including parks, schools, playgrounds and recreation centres and to abstain from the purchase, possession or consumption of alcohol (and unless he's got someone watching him 24/7, I think violating this term would be pretty easy).

What really burns my ass is I've heard: Well he has to live somewhere and he has rights.

NOPE. NO HE DOESN'T. NOT ANYMORE. He gave up those rights when he repeatedly elbowed the little girls face, blackening and swelling her eyes shut, and left bruising around her neck by trying to strangle her. He lost any rights he had when he sexually assaulted, choked into unconsciousness and viciously beat that little girl.

The thing that gets me the most though? He served 2.5 years for his heinous crime. That's it. And now he's free and living in my city because, well, he has rights.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I guess that wasn't really a short version lol but I'm just so GD mad!!!)

Anyway, I'll stop now.

This is why this blog was originally called "My Soapbox and Other Stuff".

I'm off now...I'll put the soapbox away now.

..................really????????????

Ok, so after 5 weeks of The Tories this and the Liberals that and NDP fucked up when Bob Rae was in so lets crucify them til the end of time...............

NOTHING CHANGED.

Tax payers spent umpteen million dollars on an election that didn't change a damned thing.

After all the backlash the Tories took, they are still in the same position they were in yesterday...and the Liberals are a little worse off (as they should be) than they were yesterday. I was happy to see that the NDP got a few more seats than they had yesterday but still WE ELECTED THE FUCKING TORIES AGAIN?????

What I would like to know is who are all these people voting for them when everyone does nothing but bitch about them???

STEPHEN HARPER IS ONE EVIL MOTHERFUCKER.....and you just wait...the other shoe has to drop eventually.

And guess who will get screwed in the end?????

Gobble, Gobble!

Happy Late Thanksgiving my fellow Canadians!!!

Hello to you everyone else!!

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend.

A few items of business for this post..........

I was in Havelock from Thursday night until yesterday afternoon....it was FANTASTIC. We had a lovely dinner with 40 other people, all connected to Jer's Dad's side of the family in some way and that wasn't even all of them!!! Boy, we're in for a huge wedding!! No getting around it! Jer's paternal grandmother (Meme) was there and made it a point to let me know that I am accepted in their family and that they love me and my boys very much. It was very touching! For a long time I was worried that they wouldn't accept me being that they are a VERY Catholic family and I have two children from two different father's and I was never married. But, they see how happy Jer and I are together and how much love we have to give to everyone...we're a perfect fit and they can see that. It is really nice to be part of such a loving family now. It's nice to be accepted and fit in after not being accepted and fitting in with my own "family" for so long.

I had my first PartyLite show a little while ago and I did quite well, my next one is this Saturday and I'm hoping I'll do as well as the first!

I've also recently sold a few things on ebay...this is great because I'm using the paypal money to buy more xmas presents and items I need but can get for cheaper on ebay (like pants for Jonah!). I'm hoping to be able to keep doing this...it allows me to shop (which I hate doing unless it's from home) but it's not costing nearly as much!

Ovulation is occuring as I type...I will soon be in the two week wait again (though mine is only normally about 12 days)...I'm feeling very positive about this cycle...THINKING PINK!!!!

Halloween is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my all time favourite holiday. I don't really know why but I just love it. Fall is my favourite season, everything is pretty and smells so good...the air is crisp and cool and refreshing. I love the sound of the leaves crunching under foot when you're walking and Halloween is ALL of that PLUS dressing up and candy!!!! Who doesn't love that?!?!?!

That's about it...I'll probably have a post tomorrow seeing as today is Election Day...until then!!!

Pro-Life Activists at Large in Niagara Falls Yesterday

We had a Life Chain here in the Falls yesterday.

I was VERY surprised as I was driving down Lundy's Lane yesterday on my way to my mother's for dinner. There were people lined up on both sides of the street holding up Pro-Life Poster boards with sloagans like ABORTION KILLS CHILDREN and PRAY TO END ABORTION.

Now, I am not "Pro-Abortion" as ProLifers call it. I am Pro-Choice because there are circumstances in which I have never been in. There are women who's shoes I'll never have to stand in. But I am OUTRAGED that these people feel that they are entitled to FORCE thier views on other people. I could go on and on about this but, I digress.

I had to explain to my 10 year old what abortion was yesterday because of this!!!

I'M PISSED!!! Do you know how hard it is to explain that to a 10 year old???

I have only one thing to say to them....STOP FORCING YOUR OPINION ON OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!

If people want to know what you're all about, they will come to you and ask you. There are plenty of Pro-life organizations in this country and there are plenty of resources on the internet to FIND organizations and information about abortion, the Pro-Life movement, etc.

But really, I do NOT want to spend Sunday afternoon explaining abortion to my 10 year old because YOU have a cause!!!!

I would REALLY like to sit down and have a chat with one of them and find out exactly what their purpose is for a "protest" like this. There are far more important things to protest about such as POVERTY and WAR. What women do with their OWN PERSONAL BODIES is NOT something to be protesting!!! While I don't always agree with the reasons women have abortions, who am I to JUDGE them and tell them they have sinned? I am not God!

JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the Memories...

I recently added someone on facebook who I thought was my friend. Who I'd spent a lot of time with in the past. Who I'd thought was a really cool chick and enjoyed hanging out with. Who I'd loved for her conviction...her views....her thoughts on this world and all it's injustices.

And she confirmed the add as you have to do when someone adds you on facebook....only to tell me that she hates facebook and to email her if I want to keep in contact (which I did and I still have not received a reply) and I believe it was also to allow me to read a message she wrote to no one in particular.

In the message, she writes, "If you actually care and want to talk to me and not just add me to your "friends" list for some douchebag popularity contest send me an email. YOU ARE NOT MY FRIENDS. "

At first, this didn't phase me. She has a firey spirit and feels very strongly about things and will boldly voice her opinions. But as I continued to think about it...it started to bug me a little bit. Does she not consider me her friend? All that time, was it just an aquaintenceship?

She asked these further questions in the same post: "Would you do for me what I would do for you? If you have two and they have none, would you give them one? Do you call out the injustices, or do you save face because you want to get paid? Do you have a nice shiny car that you did not pay for? Could you do it on your own? Could you stand in a room full of people and state your opinion with no one supporting you? Could you do this by yourself, without your social safety net?"

My answer is this: Yes, I would do for you what you would do for me...possibly even more if I read your post right. If I have two and they have none, I would give them one...and if they needed the one I kept more than I did, I would give that one to them as well. I call out injustices all the time...I will not bow down for a pay cheque. I do not have a nice shiny car that I did not pay for. I could do it on my own and have done it on my own more than once. I could stand in a room full of people and state my opinion with no one supporting me though I would hope that the people I surround myself with would support me without my asking them to. I could do this by myself, what ever THIS may be, without my social safety net. I really don't think I even HAVE a social safety net.

And, I will add this to all of that...I am not the same person I was then.

I have changed completely and have allowed myself to be the real me, despite what others may think of me.

I used to be pretty fucking fake. I used to crave love and acceptance and "friendship" no matter how fake it was. I used to do things and voice opinions that were not neccessarily my own, because I thought it might make people like me.

But then, when I turned around because I needed some support in my roughest times, there were not even a handful of people that I thought were my friends to pick my sorry ass up in my time of need. I did it alone. All by myself.

And that, was when I decided that I would never again voice an opinion that was not my own. Even if it differs from EVERYONE ELSES. Where ever I am in life is all I have and if I can't be true, then WTF is the point?

And that was also when I healed myself.

I was a sorry excuse for a person before I became aware of the fakeness.

I wish you nothing but the best in life, dear friend, and I hope that you're able to see that if I ever hurt you , it was never my intent. I always thought of you as a friend. I thought you were wonderful. I hope you know that I will always consider you an 'old friend', even if you don't feel the same because you were an important part of my life for quite a while.

So, thank you. Thank you for Ani and Phillip the Hyper Hypo. Thank you for Gaymie and for "It's a sticker you stupid bitch!". Thanks for Divine. Thanks for being honest with me, even when it hurt me.

Thanks for the memories, good and bad.

Getting back to basics

In light of an anonymous comment I received yesterday, I feel I should clarify my comment in my last post about the $700 Billion bailout plan.

IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

It is a slap in the face of the working poor who pay taxes out the nose. Exactly how did those big banks and lending companies get in that financial position in the first place??? GREED.

And when I said we are looking at the 2nd coming of the Great Depression, I meant it. EVERYONE is going to have to get back to basics. What I was saying was that SOME PEOPLE are not going to like it. It will be hard for SOME PEOPLE to not have everything they're used to having. Luxuries are commonplace in this society. Some people are used to having what they want when they want it.

I am content in the fact that if this does happen, we will live on next to nothing. I've done it before and I could do it again a million times. This won't be nearly as bad as when I was living on $500 a month as a single pregnant woman 4 years ago. I will bake, cook, sew, read, play games with my kids, teach them how to bake, cook and sew and we will be just fine. We will remember what holidays are all about, family. We will limit holiday gifts because that's not really what it's all about is it?

Back to basics. It's not a bad idea in this greedy world.